I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
