i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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