Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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