shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
