you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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