It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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