i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
