My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
