Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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