I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
pray to the hookup gods
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
