just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
