in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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