so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
