i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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