someone threw a dead crab at me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
