dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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