listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
