i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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