I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
