Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
