he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
