my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
