and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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