you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
