all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
