i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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