if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
