you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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