So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
