my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
