FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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