you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
