You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
no, he came in my armpit
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
