Please, let me fuck your mom
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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