i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
