dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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