Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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