you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
