I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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