so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
