There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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