Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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