So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
