i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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