Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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