Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
