i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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