You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
