Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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