Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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