dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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