we were pretty classy up until the second keg
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
